I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
bout dat hot dog summer
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.