[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“TGIM!” – My liver
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.