What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store