You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.