Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
fly smarter, not harder
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what