Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
You Might Also Like
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too l邪zy to just close it for me. Worthless.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My sister鈥檚 birthday cake 馃ぃ
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I鈥檒l give you $100 if you go to bed.
Men, I鈥檓 going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don鈥檛 make the rules, it鈥檚 a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
michael jordan鈥檚 parents really named him after a shoe
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I鈥檓 regretting my choice of words.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone鈥檚 gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
where do you see yourself in five years?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i鈥檒l be damned
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
馃幍 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 馃幍
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel