An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I love you…
…r dog.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Cheer up.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.