Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Here’s a meme
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.