Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
You Might Also Like
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.