I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg