ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)