{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Why am I like this?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.