her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I hope this email finds you in a well
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.