Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.