Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’m listening
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate