I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.