My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period