Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
mom had nothing to worry about
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.