“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
you will never know the true number of layers
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
hmm conte-me mais
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Just parrot things
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances