[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who