*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate