They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.