ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.