It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
How about daylight saves us for once
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
So glad we cleared that up
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit