I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
bears
My whole life was a lie.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.