Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
You Might Also Like
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
oh youâre an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Peach cobbler so good you canât even taste the cyanide.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
The real reason evolution started..đ
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as âTom Tinderâ
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background âaccidentallyâ so women know they can afford meat
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure letâs go with that.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
No thanks, free health assessment. I donât want to know what Iâm doing to my body