You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too