Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Dietest Coke
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!