A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Support your local cemetery
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?