Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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me after drinking all the wine:
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
This is amazing.