Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
🤣🤣🤣
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.