Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
HELP 😭
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Help Wanted
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do