HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
This makes total sense…
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Me buying fruit and veg
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP