Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”