‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.