Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car