Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….