Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
You Might Also Like
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Tough love is true love
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]