“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
When you’re Kinky but poor
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The days of good grammer has went
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.