I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.