[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Netflix and awkward silence?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
you stereotypes are all alike
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*