“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I can’t stop laughing at this
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I don’t get marriage
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions