Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.