Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
mmm onion ringos