When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho