I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Who needs an Air Fryer?