so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.