My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!