My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*