the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir